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The Mark Wahlberg Movies That Prepared Us for Super Bowl LII

Albert Dubreuil February 4, 2018
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Guest commentator Albert Dubreuil ponders the Mark Wahlberg movies that were watched in preparation for the Super Bowl. 

Born in Dorchester, MA in 1971, Mark Wahlberg never fails to remind people he is from Boston. Despite this, he and his bottle of Fiji water left Super Bowl LI when the Patriots were losing 28-3 with around 2 minutes to go in the 3rd quarter, only for the Patriots to win in overtime. Sure, he says his kid was sick, but later revealed his kid was just furious that his team was losing by so much and couldn’t handle it.

This year, the New England Patriots are back and going for their 6th Super Bowl win since 2002 against the Philadelphia Eagles, in a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIX. Mark and his fans are thrilled about this.

Since Mark left Super Bowl LI just about two hours early, sports fans around the country used two hours of their Super Bowl Sunday this year to watch their choice of Mark Wahlberg movies to prepare for the game.

Here’s a look at the Mark Wahlberg movies people watched, the people who watched them, and why.

Patriots Day (2016)

Based on the title, you might think this would be a lock for every Boston sports fan to watch prior to a Patriots Super Bowl. Except this was the “way too soon” account of the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013, in which they recreated the bombing right where it happened well before the wound had healed.

What’s more, Wahlberg, who once claimed that he could’ve stopped 9/11 had he been on one of the planes, plays a Boston police officer who is everywhere doing all the right things to save the day. Of course, that character is made up, representing all of the acts of many heroic officers, and it is glaringly obvious Mark just wanted to look cool.

So, it isn’t surprising that not a single sports fan watched this movie on Super Bowl Sunday. FWIW: The best “we have to find the person bombing Boston” film is Blown Away (1994).

Date Night (2010)

Some people don’t like football and would rather watch a nice romantic comedy instead of The Big Game™ and that means Date Night, featuring Steve Carrell and Tina Fey. Even though Mark is in a supporting role, it is the perfect Wahlberg film for them. Mark is shirtless in most of his scenes and it even caused the straightest of dudes to have to make some halftime adjustments.

The Fighter (2010)

Before director David O. Russell gave Philly their biggest celebrity mascot in Bradley Cooper via Silver Linings Playbook (2012), he directed this boxing movie in and around the Lowell, MA area —  thus unlocking some New England mojo for pregame shadow boxing.

With Christian Bale, Melissa Leo, and Amy Adams, this is the hardest working cast in a Wahlberg film since Boogie Nights (1997). If Philly fans have Rocky and Creed to get pumped up for Super Bowl LII, the only Wahlberg film that gave New England fans the same fighting spirit is The Fighter.

Invincible (2006)

Oh, boy. Boston’s own Mark Wahlberg has messed up. While this is his only football movie, he portrays a man who comes out of nowhere to make it big in the NFL.

This real account of popular Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Vince Papale is a family friendly film, but no Eagles fans enjoy seeing Mark wear an Eagles jersey. Also, just before Super Bowl LII, Mark said it doesn’t matter who wins for him because he’d be happy to see the Eagles get a trophy just because of his part in this film.

I think the only sports fan who watched this movie on Sunday was Mark Wahlberg.

The Happening (2008)

This M. Night Shyamalan film is about a plague that causes people to commit suicide. It was watched by people who are sick of seeing Tom Brady and the New England Patriots play in the Super Bowl. In fact there was very high viewership in the New York and New Jersey areas, as these football fans are pitted between by Philadelphia and New England and really would rather be dead than see either of these teams win.

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) / Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

Mark admits that he does these big box office films just so he can get a huge paycheck in order to produce a film he feels has more heart. Therefore, these movies were only watched by people who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.

Lone Survivor (2013):

Mark is hunting the Taliban? That’s all any gun-loving sports fan needs to get pumped.

The Departed (2006):

Some Boston sports fans only need the Dropkick Murphys and a case of Harpoon IPA to get ready for anything, from sports to funerals. This Best Picture winner has the thickest accents and many guns and was watched by 90% of Patriots fans on Sunday.

Ted (2012) / Ted 2 (2015)

Shot around the Back Bay area of Boston, these films include some severe Boston accents and some heavy praise for 3-time NFL MVP Tom Brady, including a few scenes in the sequel. On Sunday, this film was watched by all of the New England fans who would rather laugh a lot than watch The Departed.

Entourage (2015) / Pain & Gain (2013)

These two films were watched only by New England Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski. (But when he appears on screen during Entourage he gets VERY confused so the trainers have to fast forward it.)

Boogie Nights (1997)

Mark plays a nobody who comes out of nowhere to make it huge in the adult film industry. Along the way, this film tips off the John C. Renaissance, caps the career of Burt Reynolds, and gave lovers of redheads many Moore reasons to smile. But why did sports fans watch this one to prepare for Super Bowl LII? Turns out this one was only watched by former NFL players who fast forward to the cocaine parts just for the LULZ.

I guess the only question that remains is, which Mark Wahlberg movies did you watch getting ready for the Super Bowl?

We call Albert the Last of the Punslingers

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